Friday, October 12, 2012
5 misleading dating tips your friends are telling you
I saw this article and thought to share;
Stop asking your girlfriends for dating advice. Wait. Ill amend that. Be very careful which of your female friends you turn to in times of romantic distress. The problem with most of said advice and reinforcements is that it's rarely objective. Here are five misleading things girlfriends say.
1. "You look great!" Thanks to social media, we have an endless supply of people who are happy to toss off this attaboy whenever we post a new Facebook photo. I can remember reading one such status update a few weeks ago. The woman had recently lost a fair amount of weight and, to her credit, it showed.
The string of comments underneath her picture ranged from telling her how hot she was to how "skinny" she was. As I perused the list of people commenting, I wasn't surprised to see that there was nary a man in the bunch.
The lesson for women here, when trying to determine what men find attractive, is to pay close attention to both who is offering affirmation, and who isn't. You'll rarely hear a woman say, "Sweetie, time for you to cut back on the booze. Your skin looks awful." A man will say it ... in the form of a rejection, leaving the woman perplexed.
2. "You can do better." This statement is dangerous because it feeds the idea that we "deserve" a certain caliber of partner. It's also misleading because, in many cases, water has sought its own level. Meaning the man our friend is dating is exactly what she prefers, consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, she possibly can't do better.
Due to all the self-flagellation that occurs when women get together, women sometimes develop an over-inflated or distorted perception of themselves. Also, if it's true that we can do better, we should always remember that he probably thinks he can too.
3. "Men are intimidated by you." This is probably the most egregiously inaccurate statement ever uttered by a female. No, men are not intimidated by you. Women take this as a compliment, and it's not. Women like to say this to each other because it implies that they (the women) are so scary intelligent, clever, successful, beautiful and witty that men immediately fear they aren't good enough for them.
When a man says it, what he's really saying is that men find that particular woman unlikeable in some way. He is not saying that men are threatened by the woman's assertiveness or outspoken nature or success. That is a fallacy. Most men are not turned off by those things. The ones that are, are men that these women wouldn't want anyway, ergo who cares what they think? A woman should take a very long pause and do some personal inventory should a man ever tell her that men find her "intimidating."
4. "You should ask him out." Unless you genuinely believe that a man is too timid or shy or otherwise in the dark about your interest, you should wait for him to do the asking. The reason is simple: because men freely admit to arbitrarily raising and lowering their standards depending on the situation. Meaning that, if sex is offered, he's likely to take it regardless of how attracted or interested he actually is. Since there isn't the rampant slut shaming amongst men like there is women, men aren't particularly concerned with being labeled "easy."
5. "Never settle." The key to dating, if you ask me, is finding and embracing your audience. Thinking that your life will play out like the plot of "She's All That" is counter-productive. Plus, let's be honest. Rachel Leigh Cooke was already beautiful before they stuck glasses and overalls on her.
If a woman sends out message after message through an online dating site and rarely to never hears back from those men, then she's going for men with many options. She can either accept her place in his harem or, if she wants something committed and lasting, get really comfortable with the idea of settling. Or she could develop her own harem and enjoy herself and stop worrying what everybody thinks.
Many women have bastardized the term "settling" to imply that it's only done out of desperation. This just in ... most people settle. They just convince themselves that they didn't.
This all brings me to my final point: choosing which female friends to look to for dating advice.
The friends who always manage to say, "Ugh. That's like the time when Guy X … " should immediately be crossed off your list. Not only can't they be objective, but they'll make the situation about them, which is the opposite of supportive. You should also count out the women who have a negative impression of men or who stereotype them. Women who steadfastly insist that all men want is sex should be relegated to "dating advice Siberia."
Lastly, avoid the women who emulate behavior that even men consider alarming and annoying when exhibited by men. That would include immaturity, combativeness, bragging and anger. These women have based their perceptions of men on a small segment of the male population. Whether these women will admit it or not, they actually find this kind of boorish behavior attractive. That should speak volumes about their perceptions and insight.
Lastly, don't be afraid to ask that single female friend for advice. Women who like to use a woman's single status as a reason why her opinion is invalid or wrong do so in an attempt to discredit her. It's shocking to me how many women see this as acceptable. To imply that a woman couldn't possibly understand the intricacies of dating and relationships unless she has a man is probably one of the most sexist things women can say about other women.